Straya Sun 3/27/24 Straya Sun 3/27/24

“Safer” Spaces: 12 Considerations for Facilitators Wanting to Foster “Safer” Containers for Growth

How do you as a facilitator create a container where participants can learn to find safety and nervous system attunement in order to honor themselves and have an overall positive experience?

How can you mitigate harm in your containers and instead foster an environment of connection and a felt-sense of safety more so than lack of safety/ sending participants into a trauma vortex?

I’ve grown increasingly passionate about creating safer spaces for facilitation over the last few years for a variety of reasons. One- being an enthusiastic facilitator myself, when I first began facilitating, I wanted people of all kinds of backgrounds to be able to engage in platonic intimacy and the powerful tool of kink for connection and healing. Another being that I have felt harmed while participating in containers by facilitators operating out of scope, violating agreements, lacking boundaries, having misleading marketing, etc.

Having produced or assisted with 100+ events since 2019, I compiled this list of 12 things to consider when putting on workshops, personal development trainings, or personal growth events.

One may ask (or maybe it’s just a small part of myself feeling imposter syndrome), who are you to speak on this subject? Are you an expert or pro facilitator??

I am not a master nor would call myself an expert. I have however a unique lens as someone who’s experienced a variety of traumas throughout my life, so I have an ability to see and notice things others don’t. I’m also about to complete my second year in a 3 year training program to become a certified Trauma-Trained professional with Somatic Experiencing International.

While I do have years of experience in facilitation, I also receive feedback quite often of how many of my participants are able to feel a felt-sense of safety due to how I run my events and create my containers. I’ve also seen with my own eyes the magick of what’s possible when leading participants and incorporating many if not all of these points included below.

More on my background- I used to help facilitate personal growth facilitator training events (3 days- 21 days in length) for multiple years (8-10 trainings/events on average per year), have facilitated cuddle puddles, assisted kink events and play parties, shibari events, womxn’s circles, sex salons, weekend trainings, online events, in person events. I have attended tantra events, festivals, personal growth trainings, trainings in consent, kink events, play parties, cuddle parties, consent practice circles, ecstatic dances, trauma trainings, etc. I have over 200 events under my belt for having facilitated, assisted, and attended. I have worked with and been personally coached by a number of professional facilitators as well.

Please note that some of these points may not apply to your specific type of event/training, your goals/needs, etc., so feel free to use your discernment and take the best, leave the rest.

Am I perfect with all of these things? Is this list the law of the universe?

Definitely not, and I will say it’s been a journey the last two years learning and refining my processes to be more supportive of strangers coming together and doing intimate or vulnerable connective work.

My desire is that this article opens up more dialogue around these themes and perhaps creates a positive ripple effect that will support many.

Without further ado…here are….

12 Considerations for Facilitators Wanting to Foster “Safer” Containers for Growth

For clarity:

“Safer” - supporting a space/environment where participants feel encouraged to honor themselves to their fullest ability, feel invited to express authentically and vulnerably, can find repair should rupture occur, and overall have an experience that is more healing than harmful for them in the long term.

Examples of “container”- a workshop, training, or event that incorporates intentional vulnerable subjects, intimate themes, sexuality or sensuality, touch, nudity, is meant to be an environment that encourages big emotional release, etc. - not your average Sunday barbecue or hangout but a class, training, etc that is meant or known to stimulate a low, medium, or even high level of stimulation or activation in participants for the purpose of their own personal growth and development, overall resiliency, health and wellbeing, etc.

First off- Be an attuned facilitator - be committed to doing your own inner work. Study to become trauma aware, if not trauma-informed or trauma-trained if you want to really support people in healing trauma with integrity. Work with a professional on your trauma and how to track your own nervous system. Learn how to regulate yourself while facilitating since groups match and mirror the nervous system regulation of the facilitator. Also know this is a lifelong journey and process, and we all “human” from time to time. Be open to being vulnerable and transparent and apologize for any harm caused. (Ps- If you’re not willing to apologize for harming people, facilitation is likely not a good career move for you).
Be open to feedback- be sincerely open to hearing feedback and provide an anonymous form for those who don’t feel safe coming to you directly. If you get defensive or struggle to stay regulated hearing feedback, consider working with a professional on this or creating a way to get the feedback that doesn’t involve communication in real time while you work on being able to hear constructive criticism. Have a protocol for consent violations should they occur, and perhaps find a trusted mediator to collaborate with on this. (May be more applicable to containers involving touch/sexuality/intimacy etc.)
Operate within your scope. Don’t promise results you can’t guarantee. If you’re a trainer of certain techniques and tools, only teach what is responsible for you to teach. If you aren’t equipped to help people integrate traumatic experiences, don’t attempt this. Save this for the professionals, and possibly collaborate with professionals or refer out for this type of work. Trust me there are so many ways to help people without working directly on their trauma.
Have strong boundaries- you’re the leader. You hold the container, you make the executive decisions. Taking this responsibility helps others feel held and able to surrender to your facilitation. Create a culture of not just consent- but attunement. Consent is not black and white- for example, just responding with a verbal “yes” or “no”. Learn about trauma responses - fight, flight, fawn, and freeze and how they can inhibit enthusiastic consent. Depending on the container and duration of it, perhaps consider educating attendees on what attunement and embodied consent means. Emphasize with attendees the importance of negotiation and creating win-win interactions, or collaborate with a professional who can responsibility teach this for you. Don’t victim blame or shame people for going into Freeze or Fawn- instead learn how to support the repair process. Anyone can go into a dysregulation response at any time- it’s best to just know what to do in those scenarios.
Have agreements for the container- Agreements set out norms of how all parties should interact and engage with one another. Is it a platonic container? Make that known and agreed to by all participants- HAVE ALL participants in the room for agreements or find another way to ensure everyone is in full comprehension of the agreements. Is nudity allowed? Top nudity for all sexes? Photos and videos? Is blood curdling screaming allowed? Sexual activity? Is confidentiality a necessary agreement? Certain agreements may be relevant to whether or not someone is a fit to be in the container or even wants to purchase tickets for your event. Consider that in your marketing materials and consider if you should disclose some or all of the agreements ahead of time.
Be upfront and transparent about the full nature of the Container. This is related to agreements- but be transparent about the type of container you are creating in the marketing materials. Is it a loose, open container? Can participants come and go as they please? Are you locking doors and cutting off entry at a certain point? Are you allowing people to come late? Are you allowing certain people to come late but not others? Are you saying in your marketing you’re “locking doors” but not actually sticking to it? In a multi-day container, are you allowing certain participants to arrive days later than others? Consider the kind of content of the container and the kind of container that should match that. In my opinion, (generally speaking) highly intimate containers related to intimacy, high levels of vulnerability, sexuality, touch, nudity, big emotional expression, etc., should have tighter containers. Group co-regulation starts forming from the moment you open doors to the event. Containers that are “come and go” as you please versus having locking doors and agreements will have a completely different energy/air to them. There’s nothing wrong with either as long as you’re up front with attendees and everyone understands the nature fully ahead of time prior to purchase. Have help- if working with large groups or populations you have less experience with, consider having other facilitators in the space to help provide emotional support and another perspective (this also depends on the subject matter of the teaching/experience material), but know if you’re inviting big emotions, emotional release, intimate subjects, touch work, this can be especially stimulating or activating for participants. Have a plan in place to support those attending or at least give them resources to seek that support elsewhere.
Having your own agenda- do you have an agenda about what you specifically want from participants as the facilitator? Be up front about this- before people pay. A common one I see a lot is the capturing of participants' processes on video or with photos. Do you plan to take photos during the event? Let people know BEFORE they sign up/enroll. Not everyone wants to be in your marketing materials, especially when they’re processing big emotions or engaging in intimate activity. Give people the chance to opt-out of being photographed or videoed -unless your event is a photo shoot and it's clear that’s why people are there. Media release forms are a great idea if you’re going to use images of participants for the web or social media (they also demonstrate your legal right to use the images). And respect it if people change their mind and no longer want to be featured in your marketing. Fun fact- people are allowed to do that!
Have integrity & be forthright. Did you advertise you were doing something a certain way but then change your mind once the container was opened? Inform the group. Be prepared that it may create rupture. Either way, own your choices and be the leader. I don’t recommend asking participants for advice on how or if you should enforce boundaries you advertised you were going to enforce. Personally it takes me out of my experience in surrendering in the container, and it makes me feel the facilitator doesn’t have the confidence to hold the container or enforce their own boundaries- which doesn’t inspire my nervous system to follow their direction and surrender in the environment.
Operate and enforce a consent- based space. Don’t coerce people to do things based on your agenda. Don’t tell couples they need to split up and work with other people when they come to the event together and only desire to work together. Unless you’re running an event for couples where they specifically signed up for you to separate them from their partner. Trust people will engage the way they want to and how their nervous system’s will allow them to. Encourage voyeurism as participation. Encourage slowing down to tune into the nervous system. Encourage participants to even leave the space and take a breath outside if needed for down-regulation. Encourage sitting out of an exercise if it doesn’t feel like a “heck yes! I really wanna do this.” Just being in a group environment can be incredibly powerful psychologically and shift the way people normally behave. Even those with strong boundary setting abilities can feel pressured to do what the group is doing. Encourage participants to be autonomous and remind them we live in an abundant universe with future opportunities to engage in these kinds of exercises…and i’ll say it again but voyeurism is an incredibly powerful and valid way to learn. IMPORTANT- Don’t touch others without consent and don’t allow other facilitators or assistants to do so as well. Be the leader and model by example. This is vital.
Learn about power dynamics and the role you and your assistants play. I encourage consideration about the type of work that will be done in the container and if it will be appropriate for facilitators or assistants to participate alongside/with paying participants. Regardless of the choice, make it clear to participants what the roles are. Are assistants/leaders of the event taking part in demos or exercises and putting themselves in positions of nervous system activation or dysregulation? Strongly consider if this is appropriate if assistant’s are also playing a role of being “emotional support” and need to maintain a regulated nervous system in order to fulfill their role responsibly. (Even positive stimulation is stimulation for the nervous system and can lead to dysregulation once resources are taxed). Consider the impact of power dynamics and what role that will have on engaging with participants in particular ways. Consider that people in positions of power tend to have more privilege in the space, and it can be easier for others to go into a Fawn response when engaging with them. Yes, assistants are in a position of power as they are affiliated with the facilitator and especially if they already have experience of attending the event/training. Is the container for assistants different from the participants? E.g. Are assistants free to come late and leave early or follow different norms? Or be on their phones, go in certain rooms, engage in certain ways, etc.? Are assistants role to merely help with some physical labor and enjoy the training alongside participants? Make it clear what their role is and consider the power dynamics, potential repercussions of a lack of structure/boundaries with assistant’s roles, and communicate that with participants so they understand and can have informed consent. Ensure assistants are also following the container agreements at all times…they are representatives of the facilitators and models of behavior.
Learn how to create repair. Rupture may happen at some point in the container. “Safer” facilitation isn’t necessarily about avoiding all possibilities of repair, it’s about fostering a space that allows for repair that honors all parties. If the facilitator can’t make themselves available for repair, do they have a lead assistant that can support? Is there a protocol in place for if/when rupture occurs? What is the protocol if there’s a consent violation? What is the protocol for when a participant has an emotional meltdown in front of the group? Or if/when an assistant does? How do you navigate honoring all participants and their experience while also supporting the ones that may need extra support? These are all things to consider when facilitating. And if thinking about these scenarios creates activation, perhaps consider hiring professional assistance, consulting with a mental health professional with experience facilitating in a similar field, or find a way to operate more in scope with what you are able to responsibly provide.
Consider aftercare/integration. This will depend on the kind of container you’re creating. But if you’re creating consistent stimulation and not providing any kind of aftercare, I find it responsible to share with participants other resources where they can get integration support. Perhaps partner with a professional that provides this, or make a list of resources for participants. Once while in the Blanton Museum of Art, I saw a sign posted on the wall disclaiming how some paintings may invoke heightened emotional states, with a resource one could use for mental health support. It made me think- “if an art gallery can provide some aftercare resources, I think facilitators can too”. One can acknowledge, “this event may be activating or even dysregulating, have a plan in place and have aftercare arranged for post-training as we don’t provide it for you.” You may also consider vetting participants depending on the type of training. If the nature of your container is incredibly emotionally activating and you aren’t equipped to support people in your container with mental health issues, PTSD, C-PTSD, anxiety, mood disorders, etc., consider getting help, additional training, or creating a disclaimer or release of liability form related to that. Perhaps have an application process to vet participants appropriately. Or maybe have a resource page with information on further support and resources for after the event. For more information on this feel free to read and/or share my blog about 5 Types of Aftercare I recommend HERE.

Jumping into the realm of facilitating events can be quite popular and can seem easy and lucrative when you’re on the outside looking in. However, holding containers for others to explore intimate or emotionally deep themes comes with a high level of responsibility. You’re creating an environment where you are playing with people’s psyches. I see many come into facilitation with habits and practices that increase activation and dysregulation in nervous systems instead of cultivating safety and connection. This can create trauma and induce harm.

If you’re new to facilitation and trying out holding workshops, that’s great! I want to encourage you to divulge that information! Vulnerability is a superpower and helps others feel connected to you. Perhaps have a mentor or experienced facilitator participate and give feedback. Perhaps make the price point donation based or sliding scale to account for the fact you are experimenting and learning with real life human beings. While many don’t mind being guinea pigs and trying something new, I always encourage full disclosure and informed consent. Many people don’t have formal or supervised training in the things they teach, and that’s okay, but be open and willing to learn and grow, and continue getting feedback and strive to do better each time.

I have made plenty of mistakes in facilitation..and I will continue to make mistakes at times. We all do. And if I can help just one person with this post…then I’ll be very glad I shared this with the world.

Thank you for reading and considering these perspectives, it means a lot.

I encourage you to write your own lists of facilitator green lights, or what helps you feel safe in these kinds of spaces. The more we all talk about these topics, the better.

Much love,

Straya

Straya Sun 8/12/23 Straya Sun 8/12/23

All About Aftercare

Aftercare should not be an afterthought.

What is aftercare? Aftercare is a term that’s widely known in the world of kink and BDSM. In that realm it’s how you and your partner show support for oneself and one another after a scene. This can be after any type of BDSM scene, whether it be platonic or sexual.

However, we actually need aftercare after any event that is highly stimulating. Heck, sometimes I need to give myself aftercare after going out to the grocery store! :P

Aftercare can be done just with yourself, or you can provide aftercare to others.

Why is Aftercare important?

Because when we play with others (especially with BSDM and power dynamics) one can experience what's called subspace or domspace (when a bunch of hormones are released in our brains altering our state) and then after having this "high", one can experience a drop. This is commonly referred to as “sub drop” and those leading the scenes can also have “dom drop” or “top drop”. I believe these physiological experiences can happen outside of kink and bdsm.

Essentially, what comes up must come down. As the body comes back into balance with its hormones one may feel tired, low, tender, sad, lethargic, sensitive, etc. This “drop” can kick in hours after the event, or days after.

Aftercare is important after any highly stimulating activity as even positive stimulation has an effect on your nervous system. It’s especially important after engaging in activities that were activating or perhaps even dysregulating for the nervous system. (Remember dysregulation isn’t inherently bad, but it’s important to be aware of).

When people come to my workshops, I tell my participants to consider having an aftercare routine after participating in any stimulating activity or event.

Before signing up to any event/workshop/training/personal growth seminar, etc. , prepare for the “come down” and plan for time after for integration and processing. If you can’t give your body time for that, I recommend you put off attending the workshop/event until you can do so at a time that allows for some recovery.

Here are some examples of general things I do and plan for regarding my personal aftercare.

After a 3-5 hr workshop with a new facilitator, or a workshop that covered vulnerable/intimate themes, new people, large numbers of people, any workshop, etc.- Take the rest of the evening to relax, integrate, and do things that feel good. Cuddle with a lover/friend, take a warm bath, watch a favorite movie or show, call a friend, go on a walk. Depending on the length of the workshop and timing, I may take the next day easy and focus on lots of nourishing self care. Or if the workshop/training was multiple days, I’ll typically give myself at least half the time I was in the workshop/training to recover, sometimes longer.

Here are specific examples for you:

Shibari Rope Ritual/Plant Medicine Journey (3-7 hour experience)- take the rest of the day off afterwards, if not the next day as well. Journal about the experience. Spend time in nature, go on a hike on a wooded trail. Take a hot bath. Plan to attend a nourishing and low-key community event. Cuddle and relax with a lover or friend.

1-2 Day + experience- Take a few days off of intense work afterwards. Keep it light and easy breezy. Schedule time with coaches, healers, friends, lovers, etc. Get out every day in nature, spend hours if possible in the sun, swim at Barton Springs, hiking, journaling, reading, go to ecstatic dance, etc.

Don’t underestimate the power of co-regulation and community! Humans are social creatures, it’s important to have a supportive community to help integrate the experience. This may include connecting with others from the event to share processing, OR depending on your needs, personal triggers, etc. it may be more helpful to speak with a helping professional that can be unbiased as they weren’t there at that event.

Having friends that can support the processing of the experience or provide co-regulation unrelated to processing (hanging out, cuddling, going to another event, hiking together) can be such powerful medicine. So much healing can happen in regulating connection.

I’ve divided Aftercare Activities into 5 essential categories- Co-Regulation and Play, Nourishment, Nature, Movement, and Creation. Incorporating elements of a few of these categories really help one come back into the ventral vagal state (where you feel safe and social).

Some of these you can combine, just remember, keep it low key, easy breezy. It’s okay to be tender sometimes. Be gentle with yourself and your nervous system as it comes back into healthy regulation. Make sure to not rely on just one thing or one person, and utilize self-regulation and self-care as well. It’s all about balance :)

Co-Regulation and Play:

Hang out with a friend
Make love to a partner
Go to an arcade
Go play putt putt
Scooter around town
Go to a low-key event that involves connection with others (authentic relating, Latihan, ecstatic dance, improv, contact improv, acro yoga, dance class, etc.) I recommend staying away from anything that could be activating while you’re in a sub/top drop phase.
Attend a sound bath or Kirtan
Have sessions with a therapist/coach/bodyworker/healer person you can open up to and co-regulate with (someone with a regulated nervous system).

2. Nourishment (Mind & Body):

Drink plenty of water, take in vitamins, minerals and electrolytes
Eat nourishing and yummy food (it may not be the best time to be on a strict diet, but also ensure you’re eating food that makes you feel good too)
Be mindful of media consumption, refrain from watching/listening to activating/triggering media. Be mindful of social media use and discern if it’s supportive to the integration process
Meditate
Let yourself get plenty of sleep- aim for at least 8 hours, let yourself sleep more if needed
Journal
Read a book or listen to an audible that is uplifting and inspires hope
Create Art, Self-tie, color
Self-Pleasure

3. Nature:

Go on a hike and forest bathe
Hang out at a local lovely swimming hole, lay in the sun and read
Hang out at the Sunday Drum Circle in ATX under Monkey Tree

4. Movement:

You may want to keep it simple, low intensity and low impact, but moving the body can help you reduce stress/anxiety and get those happy hormones kicking off
Swim, bike, go on walks
5. Creation (energy output and processing):
Create art
Journal- Write about your thoughts, struggles/triggers, about your lessons and learnings from the experience, write what you’re grateful for from the experience. Try to focus more on the positive however
Write a poem
Color in a coloring book
Dance in the mirror
Go and take photographs in nature
Do a selfie photoshoot!
Self-tie with rope, perhaps do an Ichinawa flow
Overall listen to your body, stay attuned to your needs and remember, you can change your mind at any time. Be willing to reach out to others for support and connection.
You are worthy of slowing down, feeling ease, and time for recovery.
Now go get yo’self some yummy aftercare. <3

Matthew Hayos 2/15/23 Matthew Hayos 2/15/23

Ways to Heal Your Sister Wounds

You are worthy of feeling safe with other women….

Straya (Summer Astrea) embraces rope bunny from behind for grounding touch after being tied up in a sacred healing shibari experience. — Photo by Erik Likes Red

First of all, reading this title, you may ask, “What the heck are Sister Wounds?”

For me, sister wounds are metaphorical “injuries” or unresolved negative emotions we hold towards our “sisters”, aka fellow women. They can be unconscious or conscious. For example, a conscious sister wound could be stating to others frequently- “I don’t get along with women.” An unconscious sister wound could be expressed as passive aggressive comments about another woman’s appearance, demeanor, etc…yet saying, “I have no issue with her! She’s great! Love her!”

Either unconscious or conscious, we have lived too long in a society that constantly pits women against each other and has fostered internalized misogyny. People still use terms like, “don’t be a pussy” or “she’s a catty bitch” , words that relate to female anatomy/ female species of animals in a derogatory manner. These are just a few examples, but there are many signs of sexism sprinkled throughout our society in the United States, and much of it is still normalized subconsciously.

Once we become aware that we all have internalized misogyny- mostly all of us have been programmed to see women as lesser than, weak, have their sole value be based on appearance etc. - we can begin to challenge these thought patterns and ideas that don’t serve us in embracing the themes we desire to embody- equality, empowerment, and seeing a person as much much more than their gender.
And I have a firm believe that when women stand together and work with one another to combat misogyny, we have a much stronger movement capable of faster results.

So.. how do we heal our sister wounds? How do we move past the harm we’ve experienced due to a culture of women-on-women competitiveness, mistreatment, and misogyny? I’ve been asking myself this question for years and have encountered some strategies to help with this.

First of all, I invite you to STOP saying you struggle with women. Or that you “can’t stand women”, or that you're just a “Guy’s Gal”. It’s time to shift your Identity and adopt a new one. If you keep telling yourself the tired old stories of “All women___” , you’re telling your unconscious mind (the driver of the bus) to keep attracting experiences that reinforce that belief. Shift the narrative. START saying - I’m learning to trust myself and other women. I’m cultivating a deeper connection with women. I’m attracting my tribe of sisters that are going to support me and my growth. I’m forgiving the women who have harmed me. Ps….some of my closest friends triggered me at first too…;) our relationships are our best mirrors…which brings me to the following.
Secondly, we need to be mindful of stories we make up or tell about others. We need to own our projections. This means not taking other’s behavior as personal and instead seeing someone as a sacred mirror. Stories keep us divided. Triggers you have about others are typically triggers you have about yourself. Unless it's completely related to a boundary violation- in that case, set boundaries as well if needed. Sometimes we’re activated because we haven’t spoken a boundary or communicated a need. Invite in the self awareness of pausing when activated, and asking yourself, “what part of me is in them? “ and work on loving that part of yourself even more.
Third, make the intention to be vulnerable, open, and open to finding repair and speaking your truth (when it feels safe enough to do so). See others as humans that sometimes get things wrong or make mistakes. The beginnings of relationships are the times where we learn what others’ triggers/activations are and how to relate harmoniously in connection with others. Deep relationships are going to have ruptures- it's not about the rupture, it’s about the ability to find repair. Are you willing to find repair with the women that harmed you? If not, that’s totally fine. And…if it’s a pattern to cut women off quickly at the first activation, it may be an opportunity to stretch a growth edge in communication and forgiveness.
Lastly, take action to create positive embodied experiences with women. Give yourself new opportunities to heal on the somatic level- instead of continuously talking about the change you want to make, physically connect with other women. And this can be in a completely platonic way. In my Sister Wound Shibari Workshop, I help women learn to create safety within themselves so they can feel safety with other women. I break down consent in a step by step process so we foster a container where boundaries and “no’s” are celebrated. I give tools for how to slow down and stay embodied and engage in platonic rope tying as a way to choose empowered surrender and build trust. Through safe surrender, the body can learn new ways of connection and re-building trust for other women. Communication and safety is encouraged for all women to participate at their own pace, and honor their individual desires. I invite you to ask yourself, “how am I holding back from getting closer with women?” If platonic intimacy is one way, I invite you to explore that inside of my Workshop or working one-on-one with me.

Overall, I truly believe we all are capable of releasing our past wounds and integrating any unresolved feelings we have towards other women and ourselves. It’s about coming back consistently to self love, honoring ourselves always, and finding the right tools and support to get us there. We’re in this together! Share the love and send a love note to a sister today. Perhaps reach out to someone for a repair conversation/ heart-to-heart. And if there’s any way I can support you in your healing journey with regards to self love or loving others, please feel free to reach out.

<3 Straya

Guest User 10/24/22 Guest User 10/24/22

Scene Creation Questions

Photo by Erik Likes Red Studio. Photography session at Awakening Arts Temple

If you’ve been to one of my Awakening Arts Beginner’s Shibari Events, my partner Erik and I teach how to create a successful BDSM scene for mutual win-wins. In the workshop, we teach a very basic blueprint (our CCC method) so that those that desire to play with rope can do so safely with a new partner inside the event. In this blog, learn how you can take those basic principles and add to them to play responsibly on your own.

First off, it’s very important to have vetted your partner - you want to ask some important questions before you start your scene to ensure playing together is a mutual fit. Once you’ve done that, go through this list of thorough questions for rock solid container creation. These questions are the bare minimum I recommend covering each time you tie one-on-one with others.

While thorough, this is not an exhaustive list, feel free to check out the links at the end for other examples of detailed lists, and I invite you to create your own based on what kind of play you’re doing, the relationship between you and who you are working with, and the risk level you’re playing at. I recommend you take your time going through these all, and especially go slow for the Consent and Negotiation portion to ensure everything is a full F&CK Yes!

Here are your Scene Creation Questions -

First, Check-In. Checking in sets the tone for the type of scene that will be played, and ensures the scene honors the states of the parties that are playing.
Step 0- the Top (or dominant, artist, rigger, etc.) needs to do an honest check in with themselves before starting this process. Are you (the Top) fully in a space to be holding this container with full presence and embodiment? Make sure you’ve done your self-care and completed your needs before starting this - as the Top is the initiator and container holder in this experience. As the Top you are responsible for what happens in the scene, therefore having integrity in your state and ability to responsibly hold the container is of utmost importance.
Step 1- Check-in with the Bottom (or submissive, muse, rope bunny, etc.). Ask your Bottom: How are you feeling (Physically, Emotionally, Mentally, Spiritually, etc.)? Feel free to ask - Do you have any health conditions I should be aware of? Are there any sore, tender, stiff or sensitive spots on your body I should be aware of? Are you sober (we believe sobriety is necessary for consent)? Are you satiated and properly hydrated? What is your emergency Contact person's phone #?
Then, get Consent and Negotiate. It’s absolutely vital to get consent for all types of touch and play that are on the table for both (or all) parties. I invite Tops to put out the tools they are open to playing with, and then have the Bottom take time to feel into their bodies to give consent for each toy/tool. Remember if a tool has more than one use, you negotiate all the types of uses for that tool. Otherwise, don’t include or add anything that wasn’t included in the consent/ negotiation portion later on. You can always take an implement or tool away- for example, removing a blindfold halfway through should the Bottom request it.
If playing with rope, clarify what kind of tying you’ll be doing. Will the Top be tying mechanically/technically (minimal touch) or more sensually/tantrically (incorporating elemental touch- Earth, Wind, Water, Fire). Will it be a platonic experience, a more intimate/arousing one, or a sexual one?
Top should ask- What areas of the body are off limits to touch? Bottoms- Be explicit here. If you don’t want rope going up your butt crack, then say that. If you don’t want your bust touched, say it so the Top can have the utmost care to not touch those areas. The top will also ask- Which areas are off limits to be tied? *It’s a good idea to either repeat back to them for understanding, or even have them write this down on paper for total clarity.* Negotiate toys, tools, impact play, sensation play, tantra elements, sounds, time limit, aftercare, etc. Be specific. Remove any tools/toys/implements from the room or the scene space that are “No’s” for the scene. Remember your aftercare negotiation as well! If you don’t have time for aftercare, I believe you don’t have time for a scene. Make sure as Tops and Bottoms your aftercare needs do not clash. If they do, then don’t move forward with carrying out the scene.
Trauma History- Ask Bottom- Do you have any past negative experience with being restrained or bound? Are there any aspects of these events you want to lean into or avoid? Tope- please be mindful of your scope here. If you’re not sure how to handle activation or triggers that happen with your Bottom, I recommend playing cautiously with these themes. If you’re a Bottom with a past experience that you’d like to reclaim with trauma-informed riggers, read more about our Rope Rituals HERE.
Decide on Code Words- What code words do you want to use to express your limits? I personally use the Stoplight Method- which has yellow for slow down, red for stop that tool, activity or location, "red red red" to end the scene altogether and release from all rope. Depending on the scene, some may choose to utilize “green” to indicate “yes, keep doing that”. Plain language also works great as well, and I always encourage my bottoms to use plain language at any time if needed to pause, stop the scene, or shift gears.
If incorporating sensation play- Ask, what sensation toys/elements do you want to use? Wanting or Willing to try? Hard no’s? Any allergies I should be aware of when it comes to food, oils or lotion on skin, feathers on skin, smells such as sage or palo santo, etc.? Negotiate everything. Remember to never add in elements after a scene as begun. Feel free to take elements away once a scene has started.
If doing impact play- What impact toys do you want to incorporate? Willing to try? Hard no’s? Do you prefer more “thuddy” sensations or “stingy” sensations? *Make sure to do some tests to gauge their intensity tolerance level on a scale of 1-10. Ask what number they’d like to max out at. Once you hit that max once or a few times, I advise you to only decrease from there unless they’re specifically wanting an intense experience stretching their threshold.
Optional Questions but good to ask- What is your experience with being tied or experiencing Shibari? Do you have any claustrophobia? Are you able to express your boundaries?

That about covers your bases! I know it was a lot. I invite you to print out this blog and take your time going through all of these. Perhaps make a checklist out of these questions.

However, if you still feel uncertain in your ability to play safely, I invite you to seek guidance to gain confidence in your skills. Feel free to check out our Conscious Open Rope Lab to practice your skills in a supervised container if you’ve been to one of our Beginner’s Shibari Workshops. Or, setup a private training with my partner Erik and I. You can also setup a Rope Ritual to experience a transformative Shibari experience for healing by proffesionals with years of experience. Learn how to bottom and play with empowered surrender, or perhaps go into the experience to learn what it’s like working with professional Tops! Either way, it’s a transformational experience.

Here are some additional Resources for you to review:

I love Kinky Tuesdays Negotiation Sheet as it’s really thorough for extended scenes/ journeys with more rope work and extensive play- https://www.instagram.com/p/B8tn9LRJ9qw/

Also check out- https://raincitytng.files.wordpress.com/2015/09/negotiation9-25-15.pdf

Be safe and have fun with your scenes!

Guest User 10/24/22 Guest User 10/24/22

How to Vet a Play Partner

Finding a play partner that we can trust and play safely with is vital for a positive BDSM experience. Whether we are a Submissive (Bottom), Dominant (Top) or Switch it is important for us to find partners who are in mutual alignment with our BDSM ethics and Risk Profile. It can be very exciting/stimulating to vet someone new, so it is incredibly important to remember: Slow Down. Take your Time. You are worthy of having a fully “Fuck Yes” experience. You are not desperate for anyone, and if you do not feel a fully embodied “Fuck Yes” then it is certainly a “Fuck No.” Here are some tips and recommendations that can be used to screen a potential play partner:

As a Bottom or Top it is important to know your Risk Profile. BDSM and Kink has dangers—Dangers to our social standing, reputation, to our health, to our sanity. Anyone who says that BDSM is “Totally Safe” is certainly lying, or is too uninformed to play with. However, just because something is risky does not inherently make it bad. After all, people sky dive and swim with sharks all the time. In the end, it all comes down to what activities you are willing to do, even when knowing all the risks involved. Your risk profile is a way of describing the types, severity, and likelihood of various risks and how they relate to your willingness to participate in certain activities. Understanding our individual Risk Profiles is vital to determining whether we say “Yes” or “No” when someone invites us to participate in play.

When meeting up with a potential play partner for the first time, meet-up in a public space, maybe bring a trusted friend with you. Video chat is also a good option so that you can visually assess a person’s reactions to your questions, and better feel into whether they are a good match. You do not need to make any decisions right away—Feel free to take your time, allow yourself to sleep on it for a day or two and really feel into your body if this person is a match to play with. Pay attention to signs of being rushed or coerced into quick decision-making by a potential partner—This is certainly a red flag. If a person isn’t a match for you, let them know it isn’t aligned for you. And if you are the one hearing that it's not aligned, then celebrate that person for honoring themselves! Boundaries are beautiful.

You can never ask too many questions, and here are just some of the many questions to ask while vetting a potential play partner:

How long have you been practicing/playing with BDSM?

What is your experience level (With rope? With impact Play? Etc.)?

What is something you are learning or wanting to practice/play more with?

What are your thoughts on aftercare? How do you approach it?

What are your expectations for me regarding accountability? How would you be accountable to me?

Do you drink or use substances before playing?

(Bottoms: Feel into your body and be absolutely sure you’re willing to be a practice subject, or decide if you only want to play with experienced individuals).

Here are some questions to ask if you are wanting to explore being tied by someone:

Do you have references of at least two people who have tied (or bottomed) with you? Did you tie/top these people in a private or public setting?

Would these individuals be available to vouch for your safety, skill, integrity, etc.?

Do you have any pictures of your work (Instagram? FetLife?)?

If there are no individual references to vouch for a Tops BDSM skill and ethics, then maybe ask:

Do you have any character references that are willing to vouch for your integrity?

Do you have any formal training/education in consent/kink/rope/etc? And how much training?

What are your past experiences like with these activities (rope, impact play, scene negotiation, etc)?

May I bring a friend (safety watch) to our play session?

Would you be willing to play in a public space first? (e.g. play party, Awakening Arts Open Rope Lab)

*PLEASE NOTE: Taking Erik and I’s (Awakening Arts) class does not mean we can be listed as a reference for you. And just because someone has taken our classes does not mean we vouch for their skill or safety. You can list our classes as training, but the best references are those you have personally tied with in private.

Polarity

How about instead of telling men how to be "masculine" and women how to be "feminine", we teach people how to embody their truest, most whole essence? How to tap into their needs and desires? How to communicate that with ease and confidence?…

Summer Astrea the Conscious Sex Queen lying back in a pink mirror room — Photo by Erik Likes Red Studio www.eriklikesred.com

I've been thinking a lot about the meme of masculine/feminine dynamics and idea of the "necessity for polarity" in cis het male/female relationships.

More specifically, the idea some have that what makes a "successful" cisgendered heterosexual relationship is the man stepping into his "power" and assertive masculine leadership so the woman can "surrender into her femininity" and flow.

If gender is a societal construct...isn't masculinity and femininity as well?

During an amazing mushroom journey with my love, I became consciously aware of our embodiment of flowing power dynamics. After almost a year together, I've noticed how organically and smoothly we can "switch" and surrender the "captaining" to the other in the blink of an eye, without any conscious communication about it. It is truly beautiful, and also super amazing and erotic.

(switches: those who identify as both dominant and submissive/ open to switching roles- it can be a spectrum or vary based on context. For example, in your profession operating as primarily a domme; though in sex, operating primarily as a sub)

Here's my (possibly unpopular) opinion.... {you may wanna take a breath ;) }

We are ALL switches ;) No one is a dom(me) in everything they do, 100% of the time.

I made the joke to my partner the other day, we have to surrender to shit, don't we? :P

So I'm curious why it isn't more of a topic of conversation how to learn to switch with ease, since we all have to surrender leadership in moments of our lives.

So wouldn't it make more sense to help men release the shame of surrendering control, and to help women release the shame of loving to lead? Or vice versa? Or also non-binary folx and non cis het people too? How about just letting go of shame all around for all people?

How about instead of telling men how to be "masculine" and women how to be "feminine", we teach people how to embody their truest, most whole essence? How to tap into their needs and desires? How to communicate that with ease and confidence? And embody consent to it's fullest capacities? To Eliminate stereotypes of how we should be for "successful cis het relationships" with our partner and how to create a relationship by design for each individual person?

What would happen if we let go of the labels and societal constructs?

Personally that's what I'm working towards. So far it works for me and my clients :D

Just some thoughts on a Thursday :)

Thanks for reading

<3

PS- if a different mentality or methodology works for you, then great! Keep doing you boo. I encourage embodying acceptance and ownership for whatever lights you TF up xoxo

—Coach Summer Astrea
Co-Founder, Awakening Arts