Ways to Heal Your Sister Wounds
Photo by Erik Likes Red
First of all, reading this title, you may ask, “What the heck are Sister Wounds?”
For me, sister wounds are metaphorical “injuries” or unresolved negative emotions we hold towards our “sisters”, aka fellow women. They can be unconscious or conscious. For example, a conscious sister wound could be stating to others frequently- “I don’t get along with women.” An unconscious sister wound could be expressed as passive aggressive comments about another woman’s appearance, demeanor, etc…yet saying, “I have no issue with her! She’s great! Love her!”
Either unconscious or conscious, we have lived too long in a society that constantly pits women against each other and has fostered internalized misogyny. People still use terms like, “don’t be a pussy” or “she’s a catty bitch” , words that relate to female anatomy/ female species of animals in a derogatory manner. These are just a few examples, but there are many signs of sexism sprinkled throughout our society in the United States, and much of it is still normalized subconsciously.
Once we become aware that we all have internalized misogyny- mostly all of us have been programmed to see women as lesser than, weak, have their sole value be based on appearance etc. - we can begin to challenge these thought patterns and ideas that don’t serve us in embracing the themes we desire to embody- equality, empowerment, and seeing a person as much much more than their gender.
And I have a firm believe that when women stand together and work with one another to combat misogyny, we have a much stronger movement capable of faster results.
So.. how do we heal our sister wounds? How do we move past the harm we’ve experienced due to a culture of women-on-women competitiveness, mistreatment, and misogyny? I’ve been asking myself this question for years and have encountered some strategies to help with this.
First of all, I invite you to STOP saying you struggle with women. Or that you “can’t stand women”, or that you're just a “Guy’s Gal”. It’s time to shift your Identity and adopt a new one. If you keep telling yourself the tired old stories of “All women___” , you’re telling your unconscious mind (the driver of the bus) to keep attracting experiences that reinforce that belief. Shift the narrative. START saying - I’m learning to trust myself and other women. I’m cultivating a deeper connection with women. I’m attracting my tribe of sisters that are going to support me and my growth. I’m forgiving the women who have harmed me. Ps….some of my closest friends triggered me at first too…;) our relationships are our best mirrors…which brings me to the following.
Secondly, we need to be mindful of stories we make up or tell about others. We need to own our projections. This means not taking other’s behavior as personal and instead seeing someone as a sacred mirror. Stories keep us divided. Triggers you have about others are typically triggers you have about yourself. Unless it's completely related to a boundary violation- in that case, set boundaries as well if needed. Sometimes we’re activated because we haven’t spoken a boundary or communicated a need. Invite in the self awareness of pausing when activated, and asking yourself, “what part of me is in them? “ and work on loving that part of yourself even more.
Third, make the intention to be vulnerable, open, and open to finding repair and speaking your truth (when it feels safe enough to do so). See others as humans that sometimes get things wrong or make mistakes. The beginnings of relationships are the times where we learn what others’ triggers/activations are and how to relate harmoniously in connection with others. Deep relationships are going to have ruptures- it's not about the rupture, it’s about the ability to find repair. Are you willing to find repair with the women that harmed you? If not, that’s totally fine. And…if it’s a pattern to cut women off quickly at the first activation, it may be an opportunity to stretch a growth edge in communication and forgiveness.
Lastly, take action to create positive embodied experiences with women. Give yourself new opportunities to heal on the somatic level- instead of continuously talking about the change you want to make, physically connect with other women. And this can be in a completely platonic way. In my Sister Wound Shibari Workshop, I help women learn to create safety within themselves so they can feel safety with other women. I break down consent in a step by step process so we foster a container where boundaries and “no’s” are celebrated. I give tools for how to slow down and stay embodied and engage in platonic rope tying as a way to choose empowered surrender and build trust. Through safe surrender, the body can learn new ways of connection and re-building trust for other women. Communication and safety is encouraged for all women to participate at their own pace, and honor their individual desires. I invite you to ask yourself, “how am I holding back from getting closer with women?” If platonic intimacy is one way, I invite you to explore that inside of my Workshop or working one-on-one with me.
Overall, I truly believe we all are capable of releasing our past wounds and integrating any unresolved feelings we have towards other women and ourselves. It’s about coming back consistently to self love, honoring ourselves always, and finding the right tools and support to get us there. We’re in this together! Share the love and send a love note to a sister today. Perhaps reach out to someone for a repair conversation/ heart-to-heart. And if there’s any way I can support you in your healing journey with regards to self love or loving others, please feel free to reach out.
<3 Straya