How to Vet a Play Partner
Finding a play partner that we can trust and play safely with is vital for a positive BDSM experience. Whether we are a Submissive (Bottom), Dominant (Top) or Switch it is important for us to find partners who are in mutual alignment with our BDSM ethics and Risk Profile. It can be very exciting/stimulating to vet someone new, so it is incredibly important to remember: Slow Down. Take your Time. You are worthy of having a fully “Fuck Yes” experience. You are not desperate for anyone, and if you do not feel a fully embodied “Fuck Yes” then it is certainly a “Fuck No.” Here are some tips and recommendations that can be used to screen a potential play partner:
As a Bottom or Top it is important to know your Risk Profile. BDSM and Kink has dangers—Dangers to our social standing, reputation, to our health, to our sanity. Anyone who says that BDSM is “Totally Safe” is certainly lying, or is too uninformed to play with. However, just because something is risky does not inherently make it bad. After all, people sky dive and swim with sharks all the time. In the end, it all comes down to what activities you are willing to do, even when knowing all the risks involved. Your risk profile is a way of describing the types, severity, and likelihood of various risks and how they relate to your willingness to participate in certain activities. Understanding our individual Risk Profiles is vital to determining whether we say “Yes” or “No” when someone invites us to participate in play.
When meeting up with a potential play partner for the first time, meet-up in a public space, maybe bring a trusted friend with you. Video chat is also a good option so that you can visually assess a person’s reactions to your questions, and better feel into whether they are a good match. You do not need to make any decisions right away—Feel free to take your time, allow yourself to sleep on it for a day or two and really feel into your body if this person is a match to play with. Pay attention to signs of being rushed or coerced into quick decision-making by a potential partner—This is certainly a red flag. If a person isn’t a match for you, let them know it isn’t aligned for you. And if you are the one hearing that it's not aligned, then celebrate that person for honoring themselves! Boundaries are beautiful.
You can never ask too many questions, and here are just some of the many questions to ask while vetting a potential play partner:
How long have you been practicing/playing with BDSM?
What is your experience level (With rope? With impact Play? Etc.)?
What is something you are learning or wanting to practice/play more with?
What are your thoughts on aftercare? How do you approach it?
What are your expectations for me regarding accountability? How would you be accountable to me?
Do you drink or use substances before playing?
(Bottoms: Feel into your body and be absolutely sure you’re willing to be a practice subject, or decide if you only want to play with experienced individuals).
Here are some questions to ask if you are wanting to explore being tied by someone:
Do you have references of at least two people who have tied (or bottomed) with you? Did you tie/top these people in a private or public setting?
Would these individuals be available to vouch for your safety, skill, integrity, etc.?
Do you have any pictures of your work (Instagram? FetLife?)?
If there are no individual references to vouch for a Tops BDSM skill and ethics, then maybe ask:
Do you have any character references that are willing to vouch for your integrity?
Do you have any formal training/education in consent/kink/rope/etc? And how much training?
What are your past experiences like with these activities (rope, impact play, scene negotiation, etc)?
May I bring a friend (safety watch) to our play session?
Would you be willing to play in a public space first? (e.g. play party, Awakening Arts Open Rope Lab)
*PLEASE NOTE: Taking Erik and I’s (Awakening Arts) class does not mean we can be listed as a reference for you. And just because someone has taken our classes does not mean we vouch for their skill or safety. You can list our classes as training, but the best references are those you have personally tied with in private.
More questions to Ask:
What exactly do you desire (platonic relationship, sensual play, sexual, topping, bottoming, rope floor work, rope suspension, mechanical/technical practice, rope lab, etc.)? Be very specific and straightforward as possible. Honesty is the best policy.
What are your values/ethics when it comes to playing? Example: Communication, Safety, Consent, etc. What does each mean to you? What are your specific needs in those areas? Hard no’s?
Is there anyone or any relationship that could be affected by us playing together? If so, what relationship agreements should I know about and/or keep in mind? Are y’all monogamous? Open? Poly etc.?
Discuss logistics—Their place or yours? Location in town? What days and times are you free? How often do you desire to meet? How long of a session? What kind of aftercare/check-ins do you desire/need? (NOTE: If you don’t have time for Aftercare/Integration then you don’t have time for a scene.)
Do you have any physical or health limitations or needs? Please share any relevant trauma history, fears, etc.
If planning on playing sexually, with fluid play, penetration, etc.—Do you have recent results for STI testing? Are you willing to get testing before we play together? Can I see your STI results?
Do you have a community? Do you have a therapist, coach, other partners, close friends, etc. that can be there for you for further aftercare support, processing, etc. ?
Although many of these questions are geared towards being asked by the Bottom to the Top it is important that a Top also vets any potential play partners as well. Many of these questions can be mutually answered by both Bottoms and Tops.
Overall, remember to take your time. Educate yourself—You can never do enough research on this topic. Be thorough on your negotiation and give yourself time to build trust and have small wins before jumping into higher risk activities. You are worthy of having safe and empowering play. :D
The first time you play- use these scene creation questions we send out after our Beginner’s Shibari Class - LINK HERE